by Noah Are you still stuck on what to get for some drooling goon Republican for the holidays? Do you still want to give that special person a very special gift that shows what you really think of them even if they're too damn stupid to get it? Frankly, I have no idea why you even want them in your life but far be it for me to be a judgmental person. So, in a world where 'ass' and 'hole' might as well serve as pronouns and be worn on little lapel badges by every Republican, here's Part 5 of this year's DWT Gifts For Republicans And Other Nazis. 1. Custom Courtroom Holiday Greeting Cards! (See above) What better way to send a holiday message to some Nazi crackpot neighbor or relative than to send them a card that features their idols! Better yet, find a courtroom artist near you, supply the artist with photos of your lucky giftee, and let them draw up a nice court art style card that features your recipient with a member or members of The Trump Crime Family, Marjorie Traitor Greene, The Pillow Guy, Lindsey Graham in a pair of kinky boots, Moscow Mitch in chaps, Vlad Putin, Rudy Giuliani, Nude Melania, or their favorite FOX-Goebbels goon! Any of the usual suspects! How about one of your wacko uncle with QAnon Shaman on the House dais or your neighbor at "Beetlejuice" sitting next to Lauren Boebert and getting a handjob? Whatever you do, don't have the card say Merry Christmas! Never waste an opportunity to piss off a Repug! Also available in "Never Surrender" poster size. 2. A Nice Republican Cloth Hat - I'm sure your Republican friends already have one or two of these, not to mention their little red MAGA hat, but you know they'd love any or all of the hats depicted right below. Besides, if you just gift them one of these, then they might not have to go to a Trump rally and catch COVID or some brand new strain of airborne syphilis or brain fungus.
3. The Octo Citrus Reamer - How about something a Republican can use in every room of the house? These are very popular in Washington now! I've already sent one to Mike Pence and he keeps taking it out of its box, starts sweating, and quickly puts it back. Better not let "Mother" see it, Mikey! I know Lindsey Graham has one. You can tell by how gingerly he's running to the microphone these days. Vaseline not included.
4. She went to Jared? The Lauren Boebert Purity Ring - C'mon. She had to know, right? I mean, there's cameras everywhere now. Everyone knows that! She turned a date atBeetlejuice into "Lauren Makes A Porno." Then she asked, "Do you know who I am?" The only question now is what's her sister Marjorie Traitor Greene gonna do to top her. I can't say with exactitude but I bet it'll involve jumping naked into the ape habitat at the National Zoo.
You may also enjoy:
Gifts For Republicans And Other Nazis, Part 3
Gifts For Republicans And Other Nazis, Part 2
Gifts For Republicans And Other Nazis, Part 1
the last one would be funnier if it were a penis ring. or maybe it is.