The Snow Globe Edition
by Noah
Twilight Zone time: Frankly, I'd love to live in a reality where we could shrink republicans down to the size of their miniscule compassion for other living things and jam them right into snow globes. I'd shake up those fuckers every damn day all day long!
But, I digress. To show you that I'm actually a kind and generous person, I've scoured the interwebs for snow globes that any Republican would love to receive as a gift this holiday season and, while I have yet to find any that celebrate mass shootings or cancer caused by deregulation... Well, maybe next year!
Here's the list:
1. The Santa Swastika Snow Globe (Please see above)- Sure, if you look closely, the little fan isn't exactly a perfect swastika, but it's close enough to whip any Nazi-worshiping republican (which certainly seems to be all of them) into a white supremacy frenzy! They won't notice the fine points. They just see what they want to see anyway. Yes, the little swastika spins like a fan, spreading all that white, white, white all over that little world. It's a miracle, a GOP dream come true!!!
2. The Reichstag Snow Globe! People love presents they can relate to on a visceral level! Here's a tip, why not package this with the Santa Swastika Snow Globe and make it a two-fer? Your Repug friend will love you for it, as long as you're pure white as the driven snow, of course.
3. The Hitler Salute To The Confederacy Snow Globe- Here's a little factoid you may not know about: In Germany, swastikas and other traditional Nazi symbols are banned. They have been since Hitler's boys lost and fled to places near and far like Brazil, Argentina, Long Island, southern New Jersey, and wherever rockets are made. But, there's plenty of Nazis still in Germany. Shocking, eh? So what's a current Nazi to do. What flag do today's German Nazis gravitate to? What flag do they wave at their demonstrations? That's right. You guessed it, the good ol' flag of the Confederacy! They really do! They just feel so damn comfortable with it. It's all about heritage, you know! Just like they say here.
4. The KKK Burning Cross Snow Globe! Isn't this one sooo special? I know what you're thinking. You see this one. You immediately think of Republicans on your gift list, and you say, "That's the one! It's perfect! It just screams Republican!" Now, I know, there's a good chance your Republican relatives, business associates, and assorted fake Republican friends already have several of these but believe me, this is a no-brainer, for sure. I've met plenty of Republicans who would love one of these in every room of the house! They'd even mount one on the dashboard of their car(s). Rest easy! You've found the perfect gift, at least until a creche scene with a burning cross comes along.
5) And last but not least, A Russian Kremlin Snow Globe! Right, certainly not least. Republicans sure do love Vlad Putin and his Mother Russia. Hell, their Senate Minority Leader is even known as Moscow Mitch and there's hardly a Russian Ruble that enters this country that doesn't pass through his cold almost dead hands on its way to his $enate cohorts. It's who he is! Package this with a English-Russian dictionary and you've nailed it. Better yet give 'em all a one way ticket to Kamchatka or volunteer them for Putin's depleted army. I hear he's desperately looking for recruits. Send them all! Let God sort them out!!!!
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