CEO Says, "Collect Them All!!!
by Noah
Dateline, New York City:
TIME Magazine CEO Jessica Sybil has proudly announced that TIME, Inc. is offering a line of TIME Collector Editions™ of its Trump 2024 Person Of The Year magazine. In making the announcement, the blonde-haired FOX-Pravda styled Sybil said the following:
TIME Magazine is one of the nation's iconic brands, reaching millions of consumers with every issue. As we sat down in our crack-smoking brainstorms to decide how we could reach the 76,000,000 wonderful fellow Trump supporters, it became obvious to us that we could tap into their wallets even more than we have already. As I cast my spell over the room, it dawned on me that if our idol can make all sorts of money from selling Trump Mugs, hats, sneakers, scarves, coffee mugs, and signed mug shot portraits, we should join in and get TIME, Inc. even more fully on the Trump gravy train that we already are! After a brief conversation with RFK, Jr., I knew we were on the right track!
As of press time here at DWT, I can reveal that the following TIME 2024 Person Of The Year covers are topics for discussion. I have taken the liberty of making a couple of quick graffiti-style alterations to give you a rough idea of what they might look like. All of these TIME Collector Editions™ will still feature the ridiculous flattering photoshop picture of a slimmed down, younger looking Trump surrounded by a heavenly glow. In a separate deal with Trump, NFTs of each cover, along with what is known as his own greatest hits of fake TIME covers, will be available. The cost and other terms of the deal were not disclosed.
1. TIME's Rapist Of The Year
2. TIME's Felon Of The Year
3. TIME's Grifter Of The Year
4. TIME's Russian Asset Of The Year
A spokesperson for TIME who prefers to be anonymous did speak to us this morning from inside a large Trump Plastic Trashbag™ but was not available for a comment later about the rumor that Ms. Sybil has a gold-framed signed Trump mugshot portrait on her wall but he had also told us:
"Plans are already being laid out for 2025 when, in honor of Bobby Jr, we will be naming polio as our favorite 2025 Disease Of The Year. We will also be offering a Trump scratch and sniff cover since I can tell you all of us at TIME simply love his smell!"
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