Republicans To Adopt Couch Fucking Craze!
by Noah
Where do Republicans get these people? Ordinarily, your guess might be as good as mine, but in this case we know. The Republican Party put the word out that they were looking to not have Mike Pence on their ticket again because he chose the Constitution over his boss and saved democracy, at least for a few years. How dare he!!! That's just not being a good Republican!!!
And so, the Republican Party scoured the country, turning over every rock in the field. Eventually, though, it was a deranged billionaire (I'm beginning to think all billionaires are deranged) named Peter Thiel who came to The Orange Menace To Society and introduced him to J.D. Vance, aka Lord Couch Fucker, a man that may be just as crazy as The Diaper Don himself. Trump and Vance fell in love and, no, there were no "beautiful letters" involved. Damn, Kim Jong-un gonna be seething with jealousy!
Now, about this couch fucking thing: I have to say that, even in my over-sexed teen years, I never lusted after a couch. We had three of them in our house and I never thought of them as a blonde, a red head, or a brunette. At worst, I looked at the couch cushions as a source for loose quarters, nickels, and dimes. And, I admit, there was some gratification in that. Those cushions did occasionally put out!!
But, J. D. Vance, this wacko who might end up being the next Dear Leader, he's got it right in his book. He claims he used to put on a latex glove (for protection, I guess) and have a go at the family couch. What, no sheep? No Goats? A large dog? And you thought the House Speaker sharing porn info with his son was disturbing! I've been to Ohio a few times. I don't expect to ever see the need to go back!
Oh, and yes, apparently there is another woman in J.D. Vance's life! See it here! A DWT Exclusive!
Is the above all true or merely satire, you decide. Totally believable? Well, considering the extremely high freak quotient within the Republican Party, you bet!!!
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