by Noah
Dateline New York:
It was bound to happen. With his license to practice law torn up, Rudy Giuliani suddenly needed a new job, any job. But what's a blithering wind-breaking idiot freak with a dozen or so cracked teeth, a head that oozes black goo, and a failed porno movie career to do? Well, enter the My Pillow guy Mike Lindell! That's right, "America's Genius" Mike Lindell to the rescue of "America's Mayor!" Here's Mr. Pillow Guy himself introducing his new employee from a Porta-Podium at the Rose Garden Flower Shoppe in Secaucus, New Jersey as he read directly from the press release while hugging a large pillow:
I heard the word 'crack' and I knew I had to come to Rudy's rescue! Rudy's a great American and he, like me, knows all about how the 2020 election was stolen from our mutual friend President Trump. It was aliens working in cahoots with the FBI! Rudy knows all the evidence. He's seen it, just like I have! It's real! It's real!!! I tell you it's real, really really real!!!! Sydney's gonna release the Kraken. Kracken. Kracken. I love kracken! Did I mention I'm all about the kracken? Anyway, Rudy's gonna be the best damn pillow salesman that ever was! He's a natural! He's gonna save my business and he's gonna save the country from democracy and other forms of socialism. Go get 'em Rudy!!!
Suddenly, as he finished, what appeared to be Mike Lindell's handlers, all NFL lineman-sized guys, appeared out of nowhere and dragged him screaming to his waiting ambulance. In the tussle, a large hole was poked in his pillow and what appeared to be a steady stream of white powder trailed behind him all the way to the ambulance. Lindell was last seen putting his whole head into the pillowcase and whimpering something about a little friend, imaginary no doubt.
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