Mickey Mouse And Gavin Newsom Bested Ron DeSanctimonious

All DeSantis’ eggs were in the Iowa basket. Once it became apparent he was going to suck wind there, it was just a matter of time before he had to get out of Trump’s line of fire— or forget about 2028. As Trump delighted in saying, “He visited all 99 counties in Iowa and couldn’t even win one of them.” The last New Hampshire polling show him at 6% with negative momentum (and no chance to win even a single delegate). And the most recent poll in South Carolina… about the same dreadful hopelessness as he was facing in New Hampshire:

So… after spending a couple hundred million dollars or so, he called it quits yesterday. Last week, pugnaciously, he told a (small) crowd in Iowa that “You can be the most worthless Republican in America but if you kiss the ring, he’ll say you’re wonderful. You can be the strongest, most dynamic, successful Republican conservative in America but if you don’t kiss that ring, then he’ll try to trash you. You know what, you deserve a nominee you’re going to put you first, not himself first.” And with that, a week later, he kissed the ring— or the ass. Even as DeSantis was endorsing him, Trump was denigrating him on his social media site… and then said the name Ron DeSanctimonious “is officially retired.”

“Trump is superior to the current incumbent, Joe Biden,” said DeSantis. “That is clear. I signed a pledge to support the Republican nominee, and I will honor that pledge. He has my endorsement because we can’t go back to the old Republican guard of yesteryear.” New York Magazine was ready with Ben Jacobs’ Ron DeSantis Finally Puts Campaign Out Of It's Misery and Jonathan Chait’s DeSantis Finalized the Conservative Capitulation To Trump. And Andrew Perez and Asawin Suebsaeng summarized the feeling in the media: DeSantis Finally Ends Embarrassing Campaign— And Endorses Trump, the inevitable piece about backing down. What happens to the mediocre Billy Dean song now?

Their take: “It’s a stunning outcome for DeSantis: The two-term governor, who has been at the vanguard of conservatives’ culture wars, was previously seen as a top-tier challenger to Trump. That perception was based on both DeSantis’ electoral success in Florida and the staggering amount of cash he [illegally] carried into the presidential race, stored in a super PAC called Never Back Down. While the super PAC was supposed to be DeSantis’ biggest asset, the outside group has instead been blamed for his failure to launch— though the candidate’s lack of charisma, his unsettling mannerisms, and the vicious attacks lobbed at him by Trump surely contributed.” 

So what about 2028? Did Trump poison the well for him with the MAGA base? Or will Trump try to rehabilitate him. Perez and Suebsaeng suggest that he’ll have to “come crawling back to Trump. According to sources close to Trump and others familiar with the situation, the former president has for months discussed his desire to detonate DeSantis’ future prospects on the national Republican stage— unless the Florida governor moved to shutter his 2024 headquarters and start pleading for forgiveness.”

Aside from privately stating the necessity of DeSantis kissing “a lot” of Trump’s “ass,” the 2024 GOP presidential frontrunner has told some close associates that if DeSantis is “smart,” he will speedily endorse Trump and then beg the ex-president for absolution “like he’s never begged for anything before in his life,” according to a source with direct knowledge of the matter. 

Further, a person close to Trump tells Rolling Stone that as the GOP presidential primary debates (which Trump shunned) were getting underway last year, the former president began joking that one way DeSantis could earn his forgiveness would be for DeSantis to quit the race and publicly admit that he does, in fact, wear high heels. 

…Never Back Down pledged to “do things no other super PAC has done before,” testing the boundaries of campaign finance laws meant to ensure that outside groups operate independently from candidates. Despite that prohibition, DeSantis outsourced major campaign operations to Never Back Down— the group invested tens of millions on a robust field program, hosted and staffed events for the candidate, and helped share the costs of private planes that ferried him around the country. The super PAC also sought to raise donations for DeSantis online and via text messages, in an effort to use its soft money to build a small-dollar, recurring donor program for the campaign.   

DeSantis’ reliance on Never Back Down for support only grew as he struggled to gain traction in the race, and donations to his campaign began to dry up. Internally, the organization was rife with conflict— some of which spilled out into public view. In November, NBC News reported that two of the organization’s top advisors nearly came to blows while arguing about a strategy for taking on Haley, who was beginning to surge. Many of the organization’s top officials resigned or were forced out.”

And it was clear to everyone for weeks that DeSantis was backing down and looking for a way to get out of this with even a shred of dignity after being so miserably defined-- and humiliated-- by Trump month after month. Trump was even crushing him in the Florida polls— a pitiful 65.8% to 19.4%. The end-- at least for now-- of another manipulative and opportunistic Republican Party culture warrior.

Your Cartoon Special Of The Day! Ron DeSantis Aborts!!!

-by Noah

Damn, I knew DeSantis wasn't gonna make the cut but he should have been forced to carry his malignant candidacy to term!