-by Noah
Black Friday in this blackest of years is nearly upon us, and, as I do every year, I get into the spirit with my take on the "gift of giving." Far be it from me to forget any Republicans I have the misfortune to know. It just doesn't seem right to forget them at this "most wonderful time" of such a wonderful year. I know that I have no way of giving them some new brain cells or the gift of sanity, and I've looked in my grocery and hardware stores for a brainwashing cleanser product but none seem to exist. Certainly, injecting lysol or bleach won't do the trick, so, without further ado...
1. How about a good book? Believe it or not, there are still some republicans that read books and not just conspiracy stuff on "the internet" aka their "news" source. So, the new Rudy Giuliani book shown above is a can't miss item. Never mind that it doesn't really exist, neither does most of the crap that republicans believe.
2. Tin foil and Toilet Paper. I know that Republicans use up a ton of tin foil for their heads and I've heard that they sometimes use toilet paper so you can't go wrong with these! Besides, toilet paper's getting hoarded again. It'll be worth it's weight in gold by January! Throw in a subscription to Guns & Ammo and you'll be a hero right up until the moment they see you burning a Trump flag in your driveway!
3. Just For Donald! The Official DJT-45 Hair Color! Now your Repug friends can have that same "Golden Showers" hair color that ol' South Carolina sleazebag Lindsey Graham sports right on the package! Available in plain or scented.
4. Official White House Pacifier! Yes, speaking of Lindsey, how about giving your Republican friends a pacifier, but, not just any pacifier; an official "Presidential" Pacifier! Get your Republican friends to stop sucking their appendages with this full-sized representation!
5. The Kool-Aid Coronavirus Cure! Everyone knows that Republicans love Kool-Aid! They drink it all day long. They even have a new source named Parler. Kool-Aid comes with the territory of being a Republican almost as much as being a racist asshole does! And, it doesn't matter that your Repug friends don't believe COVID-19 exists. If they see the word Kool-Aid, they'll be wanting the whole pitcher all at once! Nothing says being a Republican like mixing up a big vat of Kool-Aid and sittin' down to watch good ol' Tiki-Torch Carlson on the FOX Conspiracy Channel. Free syringe included!
6. The Bullshit Barbie Doll! Got a Republican niece you haven't disowned, yet? Show her your love with the Kayleigh McEnany Bulshit Barbie! It's got the same lifeless eyes as the real thing and you can spin 'er like a spinnin' top. Have some great fun with the little ones as you pretend to be the voice of Kayleigh Barbie and have her speaking the most insane lies you can think of. Warning, no matter how good your imagination is, they won't match the real thing! Trump has one. Now your niece or Repug neighbor's kid can have one, too!
they got 11 million more voters. that's the best gift of all.