by Noah
1. The Conservative Victim Card! The Blacks! The Muslims! Ukrainians! Toolbelt wearing lesbians! "The Democraps!" Jews with space lasers! How wonderful it must be when you can always just go down your list and pick out someone else to blame while ignoring your own ineptitude, laziness, limited powers of mind, and multitude of shortcomings! This card rationalizes! This card enables! This card lets you sit around and bitch all the damn day! Republicans love this card. With this card in their fat wallets, republican voters feel free to just sit back and watch their chosen surrogates spread as much human misery around as possible! Every republican covets this card! If that republican in your life carries "the Card," they're golden in the eyes of their peers and they'll flash it with a smug "look what I got and you don't" attitude wherever and whenever they desire. Consider it a perfect gift. So much happiness from something so small and lightweight!
2. A Pair Of DeSantis Flip Flops- Available for real at Etsy! Send that republican you have the misfortune to know a pair of these! Even better, go to Flor-i-duh yourself and walk up and down the beach in these! Even mo' better than that, everybody should send a pair to the Flor-i-duh governor's office today! Bury that office in a million pairs of these! Spit on them first, of course, or, do what I do; put 'em in a jiffy with a nice filet of tilapia, seal it up and send it on its way to Tallahassee.
3. The Glorious Nazi Lives Don't Matter T-Shirt! Jeez! Just when your nazi relative or neighbor finally feels it's totally safe to completely come out of their "I'm A Nazi" closet, you have to go and be the ultimate mood crusher and give them one of these shirts! Just when they'd even taken those nazi swastika flags that were adorning the walls of their bedroom, man cave, and crawlspace and proudly hung them on the front porch, you can now come along and piss them off bigly by giving them this shirt. Don't pass up the chance! And be sure to say "Merry Christmas!" If you're in the mood for supreme passive-aggressive gift giving, this may be your perfect choice right here!
4. The MAGA Starter Kit- Is your giftee target relatively new to being a nazi freak? Is he or she (The only 2 choices in Republican World) feeling the strain of being regarded as not nazi enough in there peer group? Well, come on! The MAGA Starter Kit is just the thing! Add in a tape of Hitler and Trump speeches and your giftee is well on the way! Wrap it up in Camp Auschwitz sweatshirt and you'll be a total hero. You might even get invited to some secret KKK parties with Brett Kavanaugh, Stephen Miller, and Matt Gaetz!
5. Jewish Space Laser Pin by Disent Pins! - Inspired by Marjorie Traitor Greene, the dirty, filthy, little crown princess of republican politics! The folks at Dissent Pins (Check them out on facebook today!) make all kinds of potential gifts for typical Republican Nazi asswipes including a nice Ruth Bader Ginsburg pin, conspiracy kits, an updated twitter pin, and so much more. Their site even has a video that celebrates women in science! Science and females; two ways to piss off republicans in one little package! Talk about one stop shopping! Aw, hell, just give every republican you know a bottle of Monsanto's Roundup and tell them it's a dessert topping.
6. The 500 Piece Trump Puzzle! (See Above) This isn't a puzzle for me but I'm not a puzzle guy anyway. The pets keep walking off with the pieces and I find them under the couch years later. More importantly, 500 pieces may be way too many for the typical republican giftee's brain but I have a feeling that your giftee is not going to be needing all of the pieces anyway! You saw what happened when someone else gifted their grandpa with one of these. As far as I'm concerned, that's worth the price right there! Go ahead do it! What have you got to lose? Lose a goosestepping nazi in your life? Sounds good to me!! If it's either poisoning the useless, demented old fuck or giving him this puzzle, choose the puzzle.
7. A Nice New Covfefe Mug! Do you have a problem saying just how you really feel to those typically insane republilooks you know? Do you try but the right words just don't come out? May I suggest you give one of these! The Shut All The Way The Fuck Up mug is pefecto! It's also available at Etsy. Why not get one for yourself to whip out in republican company along with your matching thermos and quietly sip from it as soon as the start yapping about CRT, Trans people, "The Gays," "Antifa did J-6," and all the rest of the endless stinking cesspool of crap that fills their grotesquely mutant minds.
And don't forget these old favorites!
Well, that's what's in Noah's gift sack for this year. Just remember, the most important thing is Zero Tolerance! None! Give. Them. HELL. And nothing but. No one else will and coddling assholes will get you nowhere good. It got us on the steep downhill slide we find ourselves in today.
Other Gift lists for Republikooks you may enjoy:
Part 2. The Holy Bonesaw Edition!
Part 1. What Do You Give A Traitor?
Comments