A Humble Overture In B#

-by Nigel Best

I decided to read up on abortion arguments from the likes of Doug Mastriano, Lindsey Graham, Bo Hines, Mehmet Oz, Blake Masters, members of the U.S. Supreme Court, various state governors, and a few judges. As a man, I thought it reasonable to listen to the male voices arguing for the eroding of women’s rights. After reviewing the discussions, I became convinced that there could be a way to move forward with the issue, and so, I offer up the following:

It is something to witness around the country. From restaurant to mall, bar to highway service centre, the female sex freely employing their lives spending money, buying products, and enjoying life. Yet, most of these women are to be observed to have no children; Children who will one day grow into adults to care for these women in their elderly years; Children who will one day spend money or fill our armies to fight our wars.

I think it’s only fair to say that this nation needs each women to have a large number of children. Fourteen would be an ideal number to raise. These children should be on display in strollers, on a mother’s shoulders, or walking obediently in front of, besides, or behind their mothers. It is necessary that women help preserve the state of this country.

When I say women, I mean every woman, from the poorest homes to the women of luxury, from the first day of being able to bear a child to her last. In that, every female is to be married as soon as her child-bearing days are upon her. In doing this, abortion will no longer be an issue of debate.

Although statistics may indicate that the number of children being born in the country has been on the rise since the 1950s, exponentially children make up less of the population than those aged twenty to one hundred. This means, as those in the age group of twenty to one hundred years of age die off, the country’s population will be reduced. The question then becomes, how will this nation sustain its domination of lesser countries with much larger populations.

The only viable solution will be sending children of five or six years of age out to work in professions that men will have died out from.

(I have been assured though that with the right training, a child of nine is quite capable of operating most military machinery, especially guns. A large population of nine-year-olds would thus ensure the ongoing safety of this homeland from any country thinking of invading our lovely shores.)

So, after much discussion and thought, I offer up the best solutions possible for the problem, and hope there’s no objections.

All females of child-bearing age shall be available for marriage. Once married, sex is allowable, but only for the object of procreation. However, there can be no sex on Tuesdays, Fridays, Saturdays or Sundays. Nor is there to be any sex on Veteran’s Day, Christmas Day, or June 21st.

It is required of a husband that his wife enjoys the sexual experience, and mandatory that a woman always have a happy experience. From years of research it is now proven that a happy sexual experience on the part of a woman will result in pregnancy.

Any man not knowing how to ensure his wife is enjoying the love making process, pamphlets and books on how to talk to your wife before penetration will be made available through a local doctor or pharmacist.

A doctor or pharmacist will be required at a couple’s first sexual bedding to ensure consummation of the marriage. (Although not necessary, it is strongly recommended that the witness to the consummation be accompanied by musicians and/or singers as this has also been shown to assist in pleasing the virgin wife.)

Also, doctors and pharmacists will now be made available to attend your love making sessions should a couple need to determine that sex is occurring correctly.

Gender reveal parties will no longer be necessary as it is now known through scientific journals that if a woman lays on her left side during sex this will result in the birth of a boy, on her right, and a female child will be conceived. Also, placing fertility symbols in the bed will ensure pregnancy. These include such items as elk antlers, baskets of walnuts, pheasants, or a topiary in the shape of any farm animal.

On pregnancy, I have been assured that home testing kits will no longer be available due to unreliability issues. Instead, a woman can determine if she is pregnant by allowing her husband to obtain a jar of his wife’s urine. He can then place a rusty nail into the jar. If, the next morning, there is no rust left on the nail, he will know that his wife is not pregnant.

As for childbirth, this must now be done only in the privacy of one’s home as hospitals, already under extreme pressure due to lack of funding, will no longer have maternity wards. However, at a nominal cost, midwives, well versed in birthing, will be available. Note, though, that as a midwife is not a physician, she will have no ability to prescribe any drugs to the mother before, during, nor after the birth.

The midwife is, however, to be given special privileges. For example, she may speed up the dilation process; a midwife may push down on a woman’s abdomen to help speed the baby’s passage into the world. If a baby is having difficulty emerging, it will now be legal for a midwife to insert hooks into the baby in the birth canal and pull the baby from the mother.

A woman should bear at least six children during her life, though fourteen or fifteen offspring will signify a very healthy marriage.

Finally, at no time is a woman to neglect her normal duties around her family or the family household.

I cannot think of a single objection, medically, financially, ethically to the proposal. To put it all into a simple context, the country needs more children. Thus, in sincerity, having no other reason than the promoting of a healthy future for the country by enriching a woman’s life, or by striving to ensure delightful, energetic children will be born, I have not the least personal interest in promoting the work.

Also, for qualification reasons, my wife is beyond child bearing age.