by Noah
What is it about Florida which makes it Flor-i-duh? It's not that there aren't plenty of dumbass jackasses elsewhere in the country and the rest of the world but the concentration of so much stupidity of a truly insane nature in one relatively small geographical area really sets it apart. Here's a few examples:
1. Ron DeSantis, Governor Of Florida: Amazing isn't it. Those five words just don't go together but, well, there you are! In Flor-i-duh, anything goes. What makes DeSantis so special? How about for one thing, his cavalier politicalization of the COVID epidemic has cost the lives of tens of thousands of Floridians not unlike the nihilistic efforts of his allies at FOX "News" and the like. His best move in that regard may be that, early on, he decided to make Covid cases disappear by simply not counting them and getting rid of the people whose job it was to do so, thus making it appear to state voters that Covid simply wasn't and wouldn't really be a problem. This year, DeSantis even got rid of a health director who sent out a pro-vax email to his staffers. With actions like these, a sizable amount of the state population has let down their guard and, as if by magic, people are dying and dying unnecessarily. No matter! Flor-i-duh voters were impressed and DeSantis just won reelection easily. That's all that matters to Ronnie Death.
Now, DeSantis is doubling down on his pro-COVID stance by upping his war on vaccines by calling for a grand jury to investigate vaccines and the so-called Florida Supreme Court has green lighted him, at tax payer expense, of course. I suppose you might say that DeSantis is trying to lay the groundwork for a Florida "Don't Say Vaccine" law to go along with his "Don't Say Gay" and "Don't Say Black" laws. I can't wait 'til he calls for investigations of water purification systems so Florida can enjoy epidemics of polio and cholera. How many of Ronne Death's foolish voters will still be able to vote in 2024 when DeSantis tries for the White House is anybody's guess but he wants to top Traitor Don, a fellow Florida Man, when it comes to the number of deaths caused and he will give it his best try. Ideally, he will be sliced up in the primary like a seagull sucked into a 767 jet engine but, not to worry, the GOP will always have another nazi goon ready, willing and able to fill his slot. They have binders full of them. And, don't forget, in a country of dunces, a candidate with 25% of a brain and piles of cash can win!
2. Florida Man Hides Gun In Plucked Chicken: Who among us has never done something like this? Well, me for one. Frankly, I've never even thought of it. Anyway, it seems some assclown tried to board a plane in Ft. Lauderdale with a raw, ready to stuff and roast chicken in his carry on luggage. Now, we all know that the only food you're allowed to bring on a plane is the stuff you buy at the terminal and I'm pretty sure they don't sell nice plump 8 pounders. Did this guy think he was going to cook it on board in mid-air over an open flame? Or, was the most important thing that he thought a chicken was a great place to hide a gun? That's what he did, folks. He stuffed a gun in his chicken and, miracle of miracles, a TSA agent surmised that something was amiss. The would-be smuggler was, or thought he was, headed out of the country. Perhaps he thought he could point his chicken at the pilot and say, "Take us to Havana!"
Here's another interesting tidbit about all this: The perp's name has apparently been kept secret, totally under wraps. So, who was it Eric, or Don Jr.?
3. Traitor Don Trump-The Worst Fat Elvis Ever! Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the most traitorous of all? The man with his own personal home museum of Top Secret documents! He's got so many he carpets his floors with them, gluing them down with the ketchup that runs down from his attempts at aping Jackson Pollock on his walls. Yo Donnie, we know Jackson Pollock and you're no Jackson Pollock. We also know that aging gracefully and dealing with rejection, however justified, can be difficult. Maybe finger painting is more your speed. Add some Trump adderall-laced snot and whatever that orange goo on your face is and you may have a new career. Maybe your insane pal Rudy Giuliani can contribute some of that black shit that oozes from his head. Donnie, your Mar-a-Lago is nothing but a tacky, sad museum of your treason and vileness. One day, and hopefully soon, it will be wiped clean from this Earth by an F6 tornado. Well, fat chance.
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